In the Nighttime
by LoveInTheEyes
Summary: Kendall had always known deep down. Admiting it to himself and others was the hardest part of this whole thing.
1. Denial

**Author's Note: This is my first ever fic so don't judge me if it isn't perfect. I'm still developing to story. Leave me a review, good or bad, because I believe there is always room for improvement.**

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><p>Ever since Kendall was a child, he'd known. He'd known that there was something different about him but he didn't know what. He would try to like girls, but always found himself imagining holding hands with the boys in his class. Growing up he admitted it to no one, because who would understand? When he hit puberty he started getting turned on by guys. He started wondering about his sexual orientation. He told himself that it was normal. He told himself that it happens to everyone, because obviously every teenage guy and little boy questions their sexuality. Sometimes he'd find himself aroused by guys, but that didn't mean he was gay. That was normal, right?<p>

No, Kendall could never admit to himself that he may be gay. Sometimes late at night he would wonder what it would be like to come out to his best friends, James, Carlos and Logan. They had talked about it before. Not sat down and had a conversation, but every now and then they would talk about how hate towards the gay community was outrageous. Carlos had even said once, "I don't care if a dude loves dudes. Why should it matter to me? If one of you guys came out it wouldn't affect me in the least." And everyone nodded in agreement, but no one elaborated on that statement. In Kendall's head he breathed a sigh of relief, before telling himself that he had nothing be relieved about because he was_ not_ gay.

It wasn't until they moved to the Palmwoods that Kendall started to think that maybe he was in denial. Maybe he really was gay. Society had told him that it was wrong though, wrong for a guy to want to marry a guy. Kendall couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with a man because everyone would judge him. Well not everyone. His best friends wouldn't, and his family wouldn't. But the rest of the world would. Especially when he was working to become famous, where his whole life would be in the spotlight and everything he did would be displayed to the world.

He knew his friends would stick by him no matter what but he knew that their outlook would change on him. Things that they did normally would start to seem gay to them. Things like how when they were all watching TV together late at night, Kendall's head would rest on Carlos' shoulder as he dozed off. Sometimes when they would all be together, if someone got scared, they would clutch onto Kendall's arm. Kendall likes to put his arms around the guys, now that too would be seen as gay. When all of these things were happening, people would be thinking about how Kendall was gay in the back of their heads.

That was what worried Kendall the most, that when these little encounters happened, no one would shrug it off as if it was normal. No one would think it was innocent. Everyone would think that he was just their best friend who had a big gay crush on them. Kendall over thought these thing. He was the leader of their group, the one that held them all together and kept them sane, but late at night his mind would wander. He would lose _his_ sanity at night because all he could think about was losing his best friends because of this. No one was there to keep him together. Kendall would lay awake at night, worrying about what would happen if he came out, all the while still telling himself that he wasn't gay and that he would grow out of this and marry a girl, and they would be so in love just like you see on TV shows and in movies.

For a while Kendall convinced himself that he really was straight, he dated a girl. Jo was pretty, nice, perfect. The kind of girl every guy wants to date, but when he kissed her, he felt no spark, but he still told himself that he was in love with her when in reality he just loved her like a best friend. He didn't know how he could break up with her though, especially when they were dating for such a long time and things were going so well. Kendall couldn't bear to break her heart so he didn't. Only when she was called to New Zealand for a part did they break up. It was sad because he would miss Jo's friendship, but he couldn't help but feel a little happy that he didn't have to break up with her and give her an explanation for why he did.

Not until after that break up did he admit to himself that he was gay. He could date girls, but he would never have the type of connection that you are supposed to get when you are in love. Now he faced even more to worry over at night, when darkness settled in and left him weak and vulnerable. When darkness settled in, he wasn't a leader anymore; he was just a boy who was terrified of his future. He used to worry about what people would think about him if he _were_ gay. Now that he admitted it to himself, he had to worry about how he was going to come out. If he even was planning on it.

Kendall didn't know how he could admit to anyone that he was gay, how would that even come up in conversation? Many times he would find himself alone in the kitchen with his mom and he would open his mouth, ready for the words "I think I'm gay, Mom." To tumble out of his mouth, but then a sick feeling would settle in his stomach and he would have to leave the apartment. He at least had decided that the first person he would come out to was his mom, because she deserves to know and he knew that she would be able to help him figure out how to tell the guys.

But day after day, he would chicken out. He would find himself alone with his mom, and the words would never form. They would get stuck in his mouth, a giant mess of words, that would fall back down his throat and settle like a rock at the bottom of his stomach. He needed someone to talk to; he couldn't just keep these things inside of him. He couldn't do it anymore. Soon he felt nothing but dread. His heart felt heavy all of the time. Every day he put on a smile, and played leader for the guys, them not knowing that the guy they depended on was falling apart.

Slowly, Kendall unraveled, his seams had split and all the emotions he'd been holding in his whole life were tumbling out. At first he told the guys that it was just because he missed Jo. They bought it, but when he still wasn't over it they got suspicious again. Carlos, the one who was always so carefree and childlike, was the one who really came to Kendall's rescue, he was there for Kendall like no one else was. He was the only one who could make Kendall smile, and actually mean it.

One afternoon when the band was free from recording, Kendall found himself in the Palmwoods Park, after another encounter with his mother where he had almost told her before chickening out. He was sitting by himself in a tree when Carlos spotted him. The moment Carlos turned to run over to Kendall, Kendall's stomach flipped. Carlos' smile was beautiful. It was that smile that was keeping Kendall sane.

_Shit. _Kendall thought. _I can't be falling for Carlos. He's my straight best friend_. His stomach was flipping even more now, and he was breaking out in a sweat. It suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable in the cool shade of the leaves. "Hey!" Carlos said, a wide smile stretched across his face, his chocolate brown eyes gleaming. Kendall made a sound in his throat to acknowledge Carlos' presence. He felt as though he couldn't breathe. He couldn't form words. Hopping down from the tree, he clutched a hand to his stomach, pretending as though he had stomach pains. "Don't feel well. Going to rest." Kendall said grimacing, before turning and running towards the building, leaving a confused Carlos looking after him.


	2. Differently

**A/N: I'v e been working on this little by little over the past couple days. I've also been really busy because I went to a Big Time Rush concert! Thank you so much to those who read the last chapter and reviewed, I hope that this chapter keeps you satisfied until the next!**

As soon as Kendall was in the lobby of the Palmwoods, he stopped. _You are not attracted to Carlos. You are _not _attracted to Carlos. _The words kept repeating over and over again in his head and he didn't know what to do about it. _I need to talk to my mom now, _Kendall decided and he headed towards the elevators and up to the apartment.

When Kendall walked into the apartment, his mom was washing a dish in the sink. Kendall walked over and sat at the counter, and waited for his mother to turn off the faucet before he said anything. He watched the water run out of the faucet, trying to think about how he was going to tell his mom. His heart was beating irregularly fast but he couldn't help it. His nerves were kicking in.

Kendall was about to get up and go into his room before he thought of how badly this whole thing was affecting him. He couldn't keep his emotions in for much longer, especially now that he was starting to get feelings for Carlos. Why Carlos of all people? He was Kendall's best friend, they always had fun together but he had never connected with him on a deeper level until just recently. It was like a new side of Carlos had come out, one that could sense his feelings. One that knew exactly how to keep Kendall together.

"Mom we need to talk." Kendall said, his stomach clenching. It felt as though all the blood in his body was draining out. He felt nauseous but he knew that it was too late to back out now. This depression he had been in had taken too much of a toll on his life, and the band. Gustavo had been extra irritable because of Kendall's lack of motivation, therefore resulting in the rest of the guys having to pay for it with extra long sessions in the studio that were unpleasant to say the least.

"Sure, anything you have to say I'm here for you." His mother said, a kind smile on her face.

"Where are James, Logan and Katie?" Kendall asked, he wanted to talk to his mom only, he would find a way to tell the guys later and he was sure that his mother would tell Katie.

"James and Logan went down to the pool with Katie," his mom replied. "Now what is it you wanted to talk about?

Kendall knew that this was the moment that he was finally going to do it. He was going to say the words _I'm gay _out loud. He hadn't done this yet. Of course he had said the words in his head over and over again but never had he actually spoken them to another human being, or even himself.

"Mom, it's just that well, it's really hard for me to say." Kendall said while fidgeting subconsciously. "I feel like ever since I was a child, I've never been like… how I'm supposed to be."

His mother's face was serious now, a look of concern in her eyes. "How are you supposed to be?" she asked him. Kendall looked into her eyes for a moment before looking down at the ground again, he took a deep breath, readying him for his mother's reaction.

"Straight." Kendall said. The word flew out of his mouth and lingered in the air for a moment. The silence that lasted after felt like an eternity to Kendall and suddenly his mother was hugging him and tears were in her eyes.

"How can you say that you aren't how you are supposed to be?" she asked.

"I don't know mom, I just never felt normal."

His mother looked into his eyes, a warm glow of affection reflected through her tears. "Don't you ever feel like you are an outsider. You are perfect the way you are honey."

"That's not all," Kendal said. His mother released him from her grip and took a seat on the stool next to him. She gave a nod for him to proceed.

"That's the reason I've been so down lately. I've been holding in all my feelings and worrying about how everyone would react if I was you know, gay. I don't know how I'm going to tell the guys. I don't know if they'll understand or even still want to be friends with me. I know that they don't mind if other people are gay, but I think that they will definitely mind if _I _am."

"I don't think they will care one bit. They are your best friends; you've grown up with them. They would never just turn their back to you over such a simple thing. You need to just sit down and talk to each of them. I know that they will understand." His mom said.

"Thank you, Mom. I already feel as though things have gotten so much better." Kendall said, before he stood up and went into his room to think. Kendall kept replaying what his mom said in his head. _They would never just turn their back to you over such a simple thing. _He wished it was a simple thing. Kendall plugged his IPod into its dock and turned his music up loud.

He already felt so much better, even though he still had to worry about telling the guys, he had no idea how to do so. He had actually considered asking his mom about Carlos, but decided that he had dropped enough on her shoulders for one day. Kendall needed someone to talk to, someone who would look at it rationally and give him good advice. Logan walked into their bedroom and at that moment, Kendall realized that Logan was the one he'd get this help from. Surely Logan would have an answer for him.

"Hey turn down this music!" Logan shouted over the guitar solo that was blaring out of the speakers.

Kendall did so and sat upright on his bed. "Logan, I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure, what is it?" Logan replied, taking a seat on his own bed directly across from Kendall. His eyes were welcoming, and he had a look of concern on his face. Logan had been the first one to notice there was anything wrong with Kendall, and he hadn't been satisfied with the excuses Kendall was giving about why he was depressed. Every night Logan would ask Kendall if he needed to talk about anything and every night Kendall would say no.

"I'm not sure how to say this," Kendall said. It was true; Kendall didn't know how to admit it to him. He wasn't sure if he was ready for how things would change. Logan would understand but how would he look at him after this? They shared a room together; Logan wouldn't be okay with sharing a room with a gay guy. "I just talked to my mom about it and she said that she doesn't think you and the guys would care about this."

Logan nodded and Kendall continued.

"I think I'm gay." Kendall said, looking down, before turning his head up to look at Logan. To his surprise the other boy was smiling.

"What's so funny?" Kendall asked, suddenly defensive and confused.

"That's what has had you so worried? That's why you're depressed?" Logan said shaking his head and letting out a short laugh. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I've suspected you were gay ever since we were twelve. You did have me fooled for a while when you dated Jo but I've always thought you like guys and not girls."

Kendall stared at him in disbelief. "And you never had a problem with it? You never thought of me differently?" he asked.

"Not a bit. I just wish you would have said something earlier, so you didn't have to go through a depression over it." Logan replied.

The amount of relief Kendall felt was overwhelming, maybe this whole thing wouldn't be as hard as he'd been making out to be in his head for his whole life. There was still the whole issue with Carlos though. Kendall didn't want to fall for Carlos; he didn't want to fall for someone who would never fall for him back. Carlos was most definitely straight, even if he had never had a real girlfriend.

"What do you think the other guys will think?" Kendall asked Logan.

"They won't care, I'm sure James suspected it too, and hell, maybe even Carlos too. I just don't get why you didn't talk to us sooner." Logan said, shaking his head again.

"There's more I need to talk to you about," Kendall said, feeling comfortable now knowing that Logan didn't care whether he was straight or gay. "I think that I may have fallen for a guy. A guy who is straight."

"Oh." Logan said, his face turning ten shades of red. "Wha- what do you mean?"

Kendall felt the anger rise in him. He thought that he could talk to Logan about this but apparently not.

"It's not you Logan! This is exactly why I was afraid to talk to anyone about this! This is exactly what I was worried about," Kendall was on his feet now, looking down on Logan. "Now all you guys are going to think about around me is whether I have gay feelings for you. All I wanted was to talk to someone about this. I thought that you would be able to understand it and help me but apparently not."

Logan started to speak again, but Kendall didn't hear him as he slammed the door shut and left the apartment.

**Thanks so much for reading, leave me some reviews. Constructive criticism is welcome!**


	3. Daydreaming

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, it means a lot to me that I have readers enjoying my story and telling me what they think of how it is progressing. I'm trying hard to capture how it must really feel to be confused and alienated because of your sexuality. I'm telling you now that this fanfiction will most likely not end up how I see most other fan fictions end up. I'm aiming for it to be different because I was sick of reading fics where the main character suddenly realizes he's gay and then he tells whoever he is in love with and they fall in love and it's a happy ending. I'm trying to make this as realistic as possible and I hope that you guys understand. Read and enjoy! **

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><p>Kendall was still sitting high up in a tree in the Palmwoods Park when the sun started to set. After his encounter with Logan he had no desire to be around any of the guys. Not even the pains of hunger made him want to face anyone in the apartment. Kendall really hoped that Logan didn't tell any of the other guys; he would rather do it himself.<p>

Maybe Kendall had overreacted. Kendall didn't even stay long enough for Logan to apologize. Maybe Kendall should be the one apologizing. He just couldn't believe that Logan had thought that he was the one Kendall had fallen for. It almost embarrassed Kendall to think that his best friends could be thinking that behind his back. It was why he was scared of coming out but Kendall knew that he had to face his fear because it wasn't fair to anyone to keep it in anymore. The band needed their leader back.

Even though his temper had cooled and he was starving, he still didn't want to go back to the apartment. Sitting in the tree watching the stars was too peaceful for him to even think about going inside. The night sky brought him back to a memory of camping in Minnesota. Kendall, Carlos, James and Logan had all snuck out of their tents late at night when Carlos' parents had fallen asleep. They had taken a hike to the lake for a midnight swim, but realizing it was too cold to swim they had instead laid on a giant boulder near the lake and looked at the sky where a million brilliant stars glittered.

Kendall suddenly wished for nothing more than that serenity. He wanted to be out in the wilderness, not sitting in a tree outside of the Palmwoods in the middle of LA where the lights blocked out the majority of the stars. He wanted to smell the fresh air of the mountains and watch the sunrise with Carlos. The thought popped into his mind and instead of pushing it out, he let himself daydream. He let his mind wander, thinking about laying next to Carlos as the sun rose above their heads.

He couldn't let this happen though. He couldn't let himself fall anymore for Carlos because despite what his heart felt, his brain told him that Carlos was his best friend and best friends don't fall in love with their best friends. Kendall sighed and climbed down from the trees. It was getting late and everyone would worry if he didn't come back soon.

Kendall made his way to the apartment. When he walked in everyone was eating dinner. They all stopped to look at him. His mother smiled at him but didn't question where he had been. Katie gave him a soft, knowing smile and he smiled back at her. Logan looked at him worriedly before Kendall gave him a little nod to acknowledge that he wasn't mad about earlier. As far as Kendall could tell, James and Carlos still had no clue.

"Dude, where have you been?" Carlos asked. Kendall guessed he was probably still confused after Kendall had left him alone in the park earlier that day.

"Just sitting around relaxing is all." Kendall said simply, taking a seat next to James at the table. His stomach growled as he grabbed a slice of pizza from the box that was open in the center of the table. He hadn't eaten anything all day.

Dinner was actually fun that night. For the first time in a while he wasn't thinking about coming out, he was just hanging out with his family and his best friends and that was all that he needed to put him in a good mood.

When dinner was over James and Carlos went off to play video games and Kendall retreated back into his and Logan's room, hoping to catch Logan by himself so that he could speak to him about his dilemma with Carlos. It wasn't long until Logan entered the room too and sat down on his bed, facing towards Kendall.

"We need to talk." He said seriously.

"I know we do," Kendall said sitting up. "I'm sorry that I flipped out earlier, I've just been feeling really insecure about this whole coming out thing and I've been terrified that you would think of me differently."

"You don't have to worry about that Kendall. I'll always be here for you and I'm really sorry about earlier too. I don't think of you any differently, I just thought that for a moment you were about to tell me you were in love with me and I didn't know how I would help you with that because I've never been in love myself."

"It's alright Logan. I understand and I really want to thank you for being so understanding of this all because things have just gotten so much more complicated recently and I need your help with something," Kendall said. "I told you earlier about how I have feelings for someone, someone who won't ever share those feelings with me."

Logan nodded.

"Well it's someone we both know, and this whole thing with me falling for him could really ruin things."

Logan looked at Kendall and groaned. "It's Carlos isn't it?" he asked.

"Uh, well, yes. But how did you know?" Kendall asked. It was starting to weird him out, how much Logan had guessed about him already.

"Well it was between him and James and I've never seen any type of chemistry between you and James."

"So you've seen chemistry between me and Carlos?" Kendall asked, his heart beating hard in his chest.

"Yeah. You guys have gotten so much closer recently; now that I know you're gay it totally makes sense for you to fall for Carlos." Logan answered. "I just worry about the band. I don't think that it's a good idea for you to be falling in love with Carlos. I know that you can't help it, but I don't see this ending up good for either you or Carlos."

"I know. It's just how things have been between us lately. All during this little depression I've gone through, Carlos was the only one who could brighten my day. I know that you and James tried but Carlos was the one that really did change my mood. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now though. I can't fall for Carlos."

They sat in silence for a while before Kendall fell back onto his bed, looking at the ceiling.

"I'm going to read a bit if that's alright with you." Logan said before getting up to retrieve a book off of his bookshelf in the corner. Kendall murmured an "okay" as he watched Logan carefully look at the books on the shelf, before he picked up _Of Mice and Men. _Kendall knew it was one of Logan's favorite books.

Kendall sighed and rolled on his side, pulling the covers up over his body he closed his eyes and fell asleep, the events of the day replaying in his head. Carlos was only his friend. Why did he have to feel like something more?

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><p><strong>Thanks so much for reading! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been busy with school work. Hope that you guys enjoyed it. I'll try updating it more often from now on. <strong>


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